


This Kills The Man

by disgustening, foxygrandparome



Category: Homestuck, Hunter X Hunter, Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler, Love Live! School Idol Project, Naruto, おそ松さん | Osomatsu-san (Anime)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-14
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-04-20 18:10:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4797251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disgustening/pseuds/disgustening, https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxygrandparome/pseuds/foxygrandparome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jesus, Bardroy, you don’t just ask people why they fell from the sky with chickens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dance Fever

Hi my name is Ciel Phantom’hive and I have short black hair and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look emo. I have pale skin that makes me look like a phantom (that’s how I got my name). I am also the Queen’s Watchdog and I do homeschooling in England (I’m thirteen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly shorts. I love shopping in town and I get all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a dark green coat with matching shorts, a blue ribbon, black socks, a black eyepatch, and brown heels. I was walking outside of the mansion. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of the staff stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them. 

“NICOOOOOO” He heard a voice from above.  
“NICOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” The voice was louder, it was approaching at a rapid, and slightly terrifying, rate.  
“NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII” Something hit the ground and caused an explosion in the garden.  
“What the fuck?” Ciel wondered aloud.  
That something was crawling out of the smoke.  
It was Nico Yazawa.  
Nico dusts off her skirt with one hand, and with the other she holds a live chicken. The chicken jumps from her arms and runs out of the garden. It is free now.  
Bardroy runs up to her, where she now stands in front of Ciel.  
“What the hell? Why did you fall from the sky and why did you have a chicken?” He asks.  
“What chicken?” Nico answers, genuinely curious.  
Jesus, Bardroy, you don’t just ask people why they fell from the sky with chickens.  
Ciel turned and looked at the camera like in The Office which earned him an odd look from Bardroy because to everyone else it appeared that he was giving some shrubbery a very disgruntled look (and The Office wasn’t invented yet, this is Victorian England). Ciel was one day hoping to become like Steve Carell, which is strange considering he also did not exist yet and would not for another almost two hundred years, or something like that.  
Nico begins to breakdance to Cutie Panther, which suddenly starts playing from somewhere, but no one knew exactly where.  
Finny hears the song and throws the door open. “CUTIE PANTHER WATASHIIII” he screams and begins to breakdance as well, because breakdancing was the appropriate thing to do in the snow and rain.  
Within seconds, the overwhelming urge to dance plagues everyone in the vicinity. They are all breakdancing to Cutie Panther. Ciel complains that his socks are wet. Who cares.  
“Maybe your stupid fucking socks wouldn’t get wet if you wore the proper attire for being out in the rain, my lord,” Sebastian cooed as he popped up from nowhere (though no one was surprised because he does this often). Ciel silenced that smarmy bastard with a Look.  
As Sebastian is the only one who did not get Dance Fever, he picked up the child and zoomed him inside. He needed new socks immediately, lest he should catch cold and fall ill. Sebastian pauses mid step at the sound of a chuckle and looks up. It is Hisoka, the greasy fuckclown, schwinging from the chandelier. He sees Ciel and lets his bungee gum loose. Bad idea. Now he has caught Dance Fever.  
With his limbs flailing about in lieu of his ailment, Hisoka plummets to the ground much like Nico did when she made her entrance; however, there is no chicken. It’s too bad he’s so strong, that would have killed a normal man. He brings his head up to look at Ciel and licks his lips suggestively. Sebastian narrows his eyes.  
“Would our guest perhaps care for some chapstick? Your lips are awfully dry, it would seem.”  
Before he can even answer, Sebastian is cramming a handful of chapsticks (so, so many chapsticks) down his throat. This kills the man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0mahjaPM9E this is cutie panther


	2. Damn You, Finnian.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finny looked into Bardroy’s eyes, “When you truly love someone, anything is possible. You just need to believe.”

“DO NOT FUCK THE ORANGE!” Bardroy screams at Finny.  
“HER NAME IS MADELINE AND SHE IS MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE AND I WILL DO AS I PLEASE.” Finny shouts back.  
The previous day.  
“Everyone!” At the summon, everyone turned. It was Finny. “I have great news!”  
Ciel was angry because this interrupted his meal. Damn you, Finnian. What could be more important than whatever rich person food this bourgeois fuck was eating?  
“I’m getting married!” Everyone cheered, Mey-Rin passed Finny a tissue she retrieved from her cleavage (god bless her) because he was crying. Bardroy clapped him on the back like a proud dad.  
“To whom, might I ask?” Sebastian called from the back of the crowd, wiping Ciel’s face because that child got food everywhere.  
Finny wipes his tears and pulls an orange out from his pocket. “To her.”  
Bardroy furrowed his brow. “Finny, ya can’t go and marry an orange. There’s no way for you to start a family with it.” Finny gave Bardroy an amused look.  
“Um, of course I can, Bardroy, I know how the reproductive system works!”  
“Finny you literally cannot do that.”  
Finny looked into Bardroy’s eyes, “When you truly love someone, anything is possible. You just need to believe.”  
“No, I do not believe it!” Bardroy responds.  
Some teenage ninja kid with yellow hair crashes through the window. “DID SOMEONE SAY BELIEVE IT?”  
“Oh for fuck’s sake, go away Naruto.” Ciel says, annoyed.  
Nart hangs his head and does a backflip through the hole he created. A sense of ninja pride lingers.  
Mey-Rin darts over to the glass and starts to do away with it, and it was all fine and dandy until she feels a clothed hand on her own. She looks up- it was Sebastian. “Please, allow me.”  
She had to remove her glasses and clean them on her apron, they’d gotten all steamy. God bless her.  
“I don’t have time for this,” Ciel scoffs as he gets up from his spot. “I have to go read the new edition of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff.”  
“Filthy fucking Homestuck…” Nico mutters.  
A deafening CRACK echoes throughout the dining hall, catching everyone’s attention. Ciel’s head has snapped 180 degrees so that it is facing the wrongest way. Another loud CRASH resounds throughout the room.  
“Where in the bloody hell did that fucking locker come from?” Bardroy asked.  
Ciel: *Burns down the locker* *Climbs out of fire with no scratches* *Puts on beaglepuss* * Puts on Eridan scarf* *eyes flicker blue/red* You shouldn’t of done that.  
Sebastian picks the little sucker up and throws him older his shoulder. “That’s when we know it’s bedtime, my lord.”  
As Ciel begins to protest, a flash of light blinds everyone for a second. When they can see again, a goofy looking boy with blue pajamas and a strangely long hood is standing there, blinking in confusion. Before anyone can ask what exactly the hell is going on, he vanishes with another flash of light. There’s a faint breeze left in his wake. Ciel was the only one to not notice because he was too busy sulking face-first into Sebastian’s back.  
Sebastian disregards the sudden interruption and carries the young emo to his bedroom, still upset over the early bedtime.  
Once in his bedroom, Sebastian lowers Ciel onto the bed with a soft plop. He is now seated next to his Pepe The Frog™ dakimakura, which is not very appropriate for someone his age, but who cares. His parents are dead, he can have a Pepe™ dakimakura if he pleases.  
Once wrapped in his Feels Guy™ kigurumi, Ciel drifts off into Sleepyland, as he calls it (though he would never admit this to anyone, he has an Image to maintain).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're sorry about the homestuck references


	3. And a Fucking Citrus Fruit.

Finny looked incredibly handsome in his bright orange suit the next morning. The boy couldn’t stop smiling, for today was his special day.  
He was finally going to marry his precious, beloved Madeline.  
Finny dashed out of the room and hurried to the kitchen to check on how Bardroy was doing with the food preparations. He specifically asked for all the food to be orange, to honor his soon-to-be wife. Nothing with actual orange in it though, that would be extremely disrespectful. That’s like feeding a chicken (much like the one Nico set free the day before) some scrambled eggs. That’s some fucked up cannibalistic shit.  
Speaking of chicken… Nico, who was still here for some reason, was going to everyone in the house asking “Have you seen my chicken?” No one had an answer for her. Dejected, Nico continued her search for her beloved poultry companion, calling “Nico!~” all the while.  
Once in the kitchen, Finny cheerfully asked “How’s the dinner going, Bardroy?” with a smile still plastered on his face.  
“I’ve just finished the orange chicken.” Bardroy responds tiredly. He didn’t have the patience to cook for a wedding between his fellow servant and a fucking citrus fruit.  
Finny gasps. “No! We can’t serve that, there’s actual orange in the sauce! I can’t have Madeline eat that, she’ll hate me forever!”  
“Finny, Madeline can’t talk, or eat for that matter. She’s a fruit.” Bardroy says.  
“You’re wrong, Bardroy…” Finny began, “She’s not a fruit… She’s everything to me. I’m going to do so much with her… Including Married People stuff…”  
Bardroy’s eyes widen, partly in surprise, partly in fear. “What do you mean by that….?”  
Finny looks at him confidently. “I’m going to have sexual intercourse with Madeline.”  
Bardroy’s jaw drops, and his cigarette falls to the floor. The two are dead silent. “Finny…”  
Finny raises his head almost defiantly, hands on his hips. “Bardroy?”  
“DO NOT FUCK THE ORANGE!” Bardroy screams at Finny.  
“HER NAME IS MADELINE AND SHE IS MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE AND I WILL DO AS I PLEASE.” Finny shouts back.  
Bardroy grits his teeth. “You aren’t even married yet-” Wait, what was he saying? He didn’t know why he was pointing that out, he was violently opposed to this! He shook his head. “Anyway, ya can’t go and do that Finny!”  
“I can and I will and you can’t stop me.” Finny proclaimed.  
“I can try!”  
Finny crossed his arms and shook his head. “Finny, you know what’ll happen if you do that right?”  
“Our bond will be strengthened tenfold?”  
Bardroy closed his eyes and sighed. “No, Finny, you’ll kill her.”  
Finny gasped again and clapped his hands over his mouth. “No! I would never kill her!”  
“No, Finny, you’ll annihilate her with-” He paused, “-just. Never mind. Don’t do it, trust me.”  
Ciel walks in, wearing an orange suit identical to Finnian’s. “What’s up, fucks?” He says.  
“No. No, no, no, no, no. You cannot wear that! I’m wearing that! It’s my wedding!”  
Finny is about to McFreakin’ lose it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wedding and nico/alois will be in the next chapter :^)


	4. (jolts awake in the middle of the night, sweating) Holy shit.... oppa gangnam style

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm Begging For The Sweet Release That Is Death

Finny was screaming. He had finally McFreakin’ Lost it. Ciel didn’t even give a shit. He never gives a shit. Lose everything you ever knew and loved in a housefire? You lose the ability to give shits. You become… emo. So, while Finnian was screeching and throwing the orange chicken fucking everywhere, Ciel just sat there and watched everything unfold. What an asshole. Sebastian appeared to give him popcorn. He was gone again within seconds. What a shady fucker.   
The sound of the groom McFreakin’ Losing It went unheard by Nico, who was awestruck by the beautiful specimen in her presence.  
Alois.  
She had first mistaken him for her lost chicken, but soon realized he was, in fact, not. Nico had realized this when he did not respond to the chicken’s name, which was also hers. This fucking kid literally named a goddamn chicken after herself.   
“Hey you!” Nico screeched. “Help me!”  
Alois sneered. “Who, me?”   
“I literally wasn’t fucking talking to anyone else.”   
He scoffed. “What is it?”   
Nico put on her best nico-nico smile and bat her eyelashes. “I nico-nico-nii--eed you to help me find my chicken, Nico!”   
It was love at first nico-nico-nii. Alois nodded, his heart thudding and his hands shaking. “I- of course, I’ll help you find your chicken!”   
Nico grasped his sweaty hand and led him out to the gardens, away from the commotion- but Finny was McFreakin’ Losing It to such an extent that his howls were barely muffled by the high-arching windows. How did they not break?- where they searched feverently among the roses.   
On their hands and knees, the two of them covered in dirt, their hands brushed. Red eyes met coral blue #2 (actually it’s coral blue numberdsdhfgds), and around them the scene took on an air of a bishie anime- think the OHSHC OP.   
“N-Nico….”  
Nico put a muddy finger over his lips. “Shh. No words now. Only dreams.”  
“But I’m not ti-”  
“SH.” She pushed the finger harder against his mouth.   
“I have a confession…” Nico began.  
“What is it, my dear Nico-nii?” Alois asked, worriedly.  
“I’m a…” She began.  
Alois leaned forward eagerly. “Yes?”  
“I’m a Karamatsu Girl!” She exclaimed, tearfully.  
At this, the roses parted. Whatever Alois was going to say was drowned out by PSY’s Gangnam Style. Nico and Alois turned, shielding their eyes from the bright, holy light of none other than Karamatsu Matsuno himself.   
“Bang!” he simpered, making finger guns. “That’s a compliment.”

Back inside, Finny finally calmed his shit because he still had to get married. He stared around at the carnage he’d left in his McFreakin’ wake. There were fires. Mey-Rin was dead. Bardroy was crying. Ciel was in his corner, being emo and uncaring.   
“You know what?” Finny said, trembling. “Just. Fuck it.”  
“What?” Bardroy asked, looking up.  
Finny leaned down to the floor and took Madeline out of his pocket and set her down on the ground. While Bardroy looked on in confusion and slight horror, Finny undid his belt and unzipped his horrendously colored trousers.  
Bardroy’s eyes widened in shock as he cried out, “No, no, no, no, Finny do not f-”  
Finny swiftly withdrew a knife from his pants and began violently stabbing Madeline.  
Bardroy blinked owlishly, his cigarette falling from his gaping mouth. “What the fuck?”   
Ciel piped up from his corner of the room, “Soooo... I assume the wedding has been called off?”


	5. Kneeco Kneeco Knee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what the fuck is this

Alois turns to Nico, gesturing to Karamatsu. “Who?”  
Karamatsu approaches them confidently. “I’m here to help her find her chicken,” He winks to Nico, “and steal her heart.”  
Alois furrowed his brow. “I was already helping her find her chicken, ya rando, and Nico is mine.”  
Karamatsu threw his leather jacket to the ground, revealing that.. painful tank top. You Know The One. “HAH! It appears we will have to fight for Nico’s affections.” He struck an obnoxious pose, and from somewhere a pained cry could be heard. No one was sure who’s it was.  
The Earl rose with a dramatic fwipfwipfwip of his coat fanning out. “I think that’s a BRILLIANT idea.” He smirked, whipping out a fucking sword.  
“...I was thinking of something more along the lines of a rap battle.”  
Sebastian nonchalantly walks in between them, pouring tea as he goes. “Rap battles are not permitted in the garden.”  
Karamatsu slumped. “Shit,” he grumbled, defeated.  
“So… What now?” Nico asks.  
They stand there in silence for a few moments.  
“Maybe they have Monopoly inside?” Alois suggests.  
Karamatsu nods. “Maybe… Let’s go see.”  
As they start moving towards the manor, Nico lets out a large gasp.  
“THAT’S MY CHICKEN!” She screams, pointing at something in the distance.  
Karamatsu and Alois spin around, ready to leap at the bird, but instead they turn their attention to where Nico was pointing to.  
They see him.  
Oh, that smarmy bastard.  
Sebastian was bounding across the garden towards the kitchen holding Nico’s chicken, Nico.  
“GIVE HIM BACK!” She screeched, pelting after him.  
Alois and Karamatsu didn’t know what to do. They weren’t as fast as The Nico. They looked to each other and decided that the best course of action was to simply ignore it and go inside to play Monopoly. A battle for the affections of Nico Yazawa.

In the kitchen, Finny was on the floor crying in the fetal position over the completely ruined wedding and his late fiancee, Madeline. Bardroy was leaning with his elbows on the counter and his face in his hands- but he wasn’t crying. He was just Done.  
Bardroy stood upright and started to walk out.  
“Where are you going? Not that I care or anything.” said Ciel from the side of the room.  
“I’m going the fuck to sleep. Today has been exhausting.” Bardroy responded.  
“It’s 3:18 pm.”  
“Wake me for 4:20.” He closes the door behind him.  
Ciel scoffed, in an emo way. How dare his servants order him around- and to awaken them, at that! Why would Bardroy even want to be woken up, wondered Ciel, as sleep was a temporary version of the sweet release of death?  
Sebastian entered the kitchen, holding a live chicken. “I’ve caught dinner, my lord.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://41.media.tumblr.com/b3ee476ec5c8e6d831c76640bbf5caa1/tumblr_o11eraiXA11v40r5zo1_400.png this is karamatsu's tank top


End file.
